“I am not my restless, striving self.

I am the steady self within—whole, complete, unshaken.” A study of dhyana yoga and teachings of the Gita.

For years, I've lived through my outward executive self, the one that people-pleased, volunteered for everything, always tried to be the bigger person, and poured myself endlessly into others. From the outside all of this looked generous, but underneath it, I was left completely unfulfilled and utterly drained.

I believed that acknowledgement, recognition, and reciprocity would fill my empty spaces. It was true, for the executive self, these were not just desires but a lifeline.

More recently through study, reflection, and witnessing shifts inside me, I discovered a quiet but powerful contrast: the real self, the inner Self, which is whole, complete, and does not depend on those returns. It calls softly but firmly, telling me I am enough just as I am. No need for validation or vindication.

**"I have settled it for myself so flattery and criticism go down the same drain and I am quite free" - Georgia O’Keefe**

In this place, I felt my breath settle. No longer tethered by what others saw or didn’t see, I began living from a deeper place. A place rooted not in external validation, but in inner truth.

The idea of the “executive self” is the constructed identity we often operate from day to day. It is shaped by past disappointments, unmet desires, fears, and the constant pull to prove ourselves to others. This self is busy, restless, and always trying to manage outcomes in the outer world. By contrast, the “real self” (or the ātman in the Gita) is untouched by those fluctuations. Krishna emphasizes that the realized person is sthita-prajña, steady in wisdom standing firm in the Self. Such a person does not seek external validation, approval, or recognition because their sense of worth is rooted in their inner being, not in the shifting conditions of life.

In practice, the teaching is not about rejecting the executive self entirely, as it has a role in navigating worldly duties. Its about recognizing it for what it is: a temporary mask. When we rest in the real self, we see that we are not defined by disappointments or frustrations. Instead, we can carry out action with clarity and detachment, just as Krishna instructs Arjuna: act fully, but without attachment to results.

Executive Self vs. Real Self

There are two voices within me.

One is the executive self: always planning, always comparing, always seeking proof that I am enough. It gathers its strength from old disappointments and unmet expectations, weaving them into a story that I must keep proving myself. This self is restless, easily shaken, and forever looking outward for approval.

And then there is the real self. Quiet, steady, unchanging. It does not bargain with the world for worth. It stands alone, whole within itself, like a flame untouched by wind. The real self does not require validation because it is already complete. It watches the rise and fall of moods, the coming and going of praise or blame, with the same calm gaze.

The Gita reminds us that wisdom lives in this deeper self. To act from here is to act with clarity... Engaged in life, yet free from the need to control outcomes. I can let the executive self serve as a tool for navigating the world, but I no longer confuse it with who I am. When I feel myself tangled in frustration or pulled by the weight of recognition, I pause. I return to the real self, the still center that is never disappointed, never incomplete. From here, I move forward with steadiness, knowing that nothing outside of me can add or take away from what already is.

Further pondering: Am I doing this for security, recognition or control?

When I pause and notice myself leaning into the executive self again. Performing acts like saying yes when I mean no, pouring from an empty cup, or waiting for someone to notice, I ask:

Am I doing this for security, for recognition, or for control?

Security: a hope that if I give enough, I will be safe, loved, or less likely to be abandoned.

Recognition: the desire to be seen, acknowledged, and validated by others.

Control: the illusion that if I take on more, fix more, or manage more, then life will feel less uncertain.

Each time, I can trace the pull back to the executive self. The real self, however, needs none of these guarantees. It already is secure. It does not measure worth in applause. It does not control, because it trusts the flow of what is.

Mantras to connect with the Real Self:

“I return again and again to the quiet self”

“I rest in the still flame within”

“I release the need for security, recognition or control”

Journal Prompts for self-reflection:

The Executive Self

In what areas of my life do I notice myself people-pleasing, over-giving, or seeking recognition?
What does my body feel like when I am in this mode—tense, tired, scattered?
What am I hoping to receive in return? Security, recognition, or control?

The Real Self

When have I felt whole and steady, even without acknowledgement from others?
What practices or environments help me touch that deeper stillness within?
How can I remind myself that nothing outside me adds or takes away from my essence?

Union of Self and Practice

What does “balance” look like for me in rest, work, and play?
Where can I create space in my day for stillness, even if just a few breaths?
What would it mean to act fully in the world but release attachment to outcomes?

Integration

How might I allow the executive self to serve as a tool, rather than an identity?
In what ways can meditation or quiet reflection help me return to my real self each day?
What small mantra or phrase can I carry with me to anchor in the real self?